Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not doing / being enough in so many aspects of my life that I've just given a title to my laziness as not being "Black Girl Magic". Of course this BGM looks different to everyone, but when I'm comparing myself to my own potential — I haven't been feeling like I'm up to par.
I know I'm slacking when: my room gets marginally messier, I postpone praying, and I crave McDonalds. All minor, albeit bad decisions I make knowingly by forgiving myself in advance. I know you're all familiar with the feeling, you tell yourself you'll go to the gym in the morning for the third day in a row — but when you don't, "it was the thought that counts". But after a while, that thought doesn't count for much because it's back to being a goal you'll have for yourself rather than a routine you've already set.
It takes 21 days to build a habit. They say it takes the same amount of time to break it, but I think it's way less. But I'll speak for my self. I know all the great plans I have for myself, but sometimes after a long stressful day at work filled with annoyances, sitting on my butt and doing nothing feels a lot better than doing more stuff that is equally annoying. The most frustrating part of my acknowledged laziness isn't knowing what "could be done by now", but knowing that I'm deterring myself from what's good for me.
"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Luke 16:10
I know it's far down the line for me but sometimes I can't help but think about my future family and how completely unprepared I am for that to be a possibility. But this verse gets me every time, and when I read it this week I couldn't help but think of this hypothetical family. How can I expect to be responsible to take care of other people when I'm letting minor things slip through the cracks? I know this post is coming off as self deprecating and defeatist, but that's not at all how I feel. The process of me realizing I need to gather my life goes like this: be lazy, realize how ineffective that is, then I let it fuel my impending excellence.
I'm grateful that I am in a point in my life where I can recognize where I'm weak and do things ten times better than I would've the first time around (for compensation and guilt). But God didn't give me a spirit of laziness. With that, I also have the strength to recognize that 'allowing' myself to be lazy and slip up now and then is also problematic. Being obedient in knowing my heart and how long it took for me to be self-actualized in my goals and in Christ is what will propel me.
All those minor, albeit bad decisions I make - contribute to all the reasons I think I'm not Black Girl Magic right now. I know this feeling doesn't come through accolades or accomplishments, though. None of those things would mean a thing if I hadn't been granted the gift of knowing God and what He has done for me to even realize it's not me but His grace. I can keep making these little decisions but I know if I continue to prioritize God's will for me, everything else will fall into place. Any feelings of doubt and regret for what I could've done better will be replaced with promise and a reminder of what has already been great.