HEAVY IS THE HEAD
I'm probably becoming predictable with the premises of each one of my blog posts: I wanted to do something, and when that time came, I realized it was nothing like what I expected it to be. You'd think I learned by now, I had a month to marinate on my last post about managing my expectations.
During my entire gap year, all I'd talk about is being so excited to finally be in grad school and taking the next steps to improve my future. My friend insisted that I'd be saying something different a few weeks in. My post-graduate colleagues urged me to enjoy my stint of freedom. At the time it all seemed like noise. None of it compared to the excitement of having an increased sense of discipline and structure in my life. This time around, my expectations about grad school have been met if not exceeded. It still kind of blows my mind that professors really want to read nothing but papers, but okay... I suppose.
Life came at me fast, but I was actually surprised at how smooth the transition was for me. Don't get me wrong, just two weeks ago I texted my friend asking her "do you ever sit and ask yourself if you really need this degree?" I'm guilty for asking, but she's guilty for responding "yes girl, it be like that sometimes."
There's always been a level of self-inflicted pressure that intimidated me. This supposed pressure has made me doubtful I had the grades to get into college, convinced me I needed to follow trendy diets, and reminded me that I'd surpassed my peak. Pressure is fine, it's how you perceive it that can make or break the relationship you have with God, others, and most importantly yourself. Having the maturity that has allowed me to be real with myself in tough times is something I have been very aware of during this grad school thing. No one said it would be easy, and no one said it would be impossible either. There are so many "crowns" we have to wear dependent on the situations we're in. Among other things, I wear the crown of being a big sister, a friend, and once again of a student.
This crown gets heavy when I remember that although I have my own self-gratifying reasons for doing the things I do, I have anticipating friends and family to consider as well. This crown gets heavy when I remember that this isn't the first difficult thing I have had to do and it won't be the last. I still have a lot of "wanting to throw in the towel" left to do. This crown gets heavier when I remember that my highs and my lows aren't just lessons I write on this blog and forget about, but they'll be valuable lessons I will have to teach my future children Oliver and Blaire, too (lol).
I've been at this thing for three months and I have quite a few to go, but I know that if I can recognize my peaks at their peaks at this early stage, I can only go up from there. If I have nothing else to be pumped about, at least I have that.