FOR ME, BY ME
Something my close friends and family members always say about me is that I am "secretive" or "reserved". That's not to say I am a quiet person in any way, because I am not. But I know they mean I choose not to talk about certain things when I am asked for whatever reason. But I do have my reasons, and my 'silence' is never meant to be a personal reflection of how I feel about anyone.
I thought I was being clever with the title, paying homage to F.U.B.U. (the Solange one).
I used to hate being criticized for not being open about every aspect of my life, but now (as with most things) I just pick my battles. My disdain for an invasion of privacy has always been pretty adamant. I hate when people come in my room and start touching things, or pry with questions when I clearly don't want to be asked anything at all.
"Well, what do you have to hide?"
Honestly...nothing. Just because I have nothing to hide doesn't mean I need to air out my business for an unwanted opinion. This also brings up certain points about entitlement, but I'll save that for a day where I have real twitter fingers.
I know my friends and family mean no harm when they ask certain things or expect me to open up. It's just not something I have always been used to doing, so when I am comfortable sharing something that's on my heart I know I am confiding in someone else for good reason.
I don't write this post to brag about my inability to be open with others. I've learned that having a blog has allowed me to balance what I know God wants me to share and what He wants me to learn from others. Having an outlet where I can choose my words carefully, be as long-winded as I want to be, and chose what I share has been a blessing. Although, I have grown to appreciate being challenged in various aspects of my life.
I've always had the problem of not being able to articulate myself in the way that I wanted in a particular moment. We've had those arguments that we reminisce on a week or two later and think "man, I wish I said that". It is very rare someone asks me a question and I have a clear and concise answer right then and there. I'm not worried I say the wrong things in impromptu conversations, but my constant desire for intentionality and clarity deter me from saying much at all.
On the other hand, I do appreciate having the right to choose what I want to say (in real life and on my blog). Some moments in life are just too precious to feel obligated to share with everyone. Most of our lives are on Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook anyway. It's okay to tell yourself and others that "this is for me". Hopefully it does not come off as a personal barrier you're erecting between yourself and someone else.
At nearly 23, this can't be a problem forever. With my big mouth, you'd think I've mastered the intricacies of having a simple conversation, but sometimes I just can't. This might sound like a joke but whenever I know I'll be in a situation where I'll have to 'explain myself' I just pray. Sometimes the a spirit of confidence and pride overcomes you in a way you don't want (or need) for it to manifest. Prayer that I can channel that same energy into having meaningful conversations without restriction or perceiving it as an invasion of privacy is the best thing I can do for myself.